Forgiveness: Rebuilding a Family

Forgiveness

Most people who know me know that I have been divorced from my children’s father for about five years now. Most who know me also know that we have been back together, working on picking up the pieces, for the last two.  And the truth is, sometimes I don’t know which is harder.

It would be easy to say that infidelity tore my family apart. That’s the obvious answer. But it’s the not-so-obvious things that probably started the tear. Nothing big or unique, but small rocks being thrown at our glass house. Ask any married woman and, if they’re honest, they will tell you that raising a family, being a wife, working and continuing to be the woman their husband fell in love with is nearly impossible.

In my case, we had three children under the age of six. All of my time was spent taking care of them. Not complaining. That’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m a parent and chose to have each one of them. Well, the last one may have been the result of a little too much wine and not enough hobbies, but loved and wanted nonetheless.

The Jackson trio

Looking back, there was a lot going on. Who has time to be crazy, sexy, cool? The attire of the day, or everyday for that matter, was sweat pants? And if they were clean, it was a really good day. I had one nursing, one still on the bottle and I usually couldn’t find the other one. Needless to say, it wasn’t a glamorous time in the Jackson household. There wasn’t time for anything, especially my spouse.

I know what you’re thinking…. that I’m making an excuse for my ex’s bad behavior.  I’m not. I still think he was an idiot and, most days, he would agree. But that doesn’t detract from the truth. We didn’t spend the time needed to nurture our relationship. I didn’t spend the time needed to nurture him.

When we first separated and subsequently divorced, things were pretty rocky. There was a lot of crying, cussing and arguing. Every time we got together, the tension could have killed an elephant. But after the initial pain subsided, we both decided that we wanted our kids to grow up with both of their parents…mainly because we didn’t. Both of us were raised by family members, not our parents, and neither of our fathers were integral parts of our lives. It was important to us that our kids had a relationship with both of us.

That led to us indirectly spending a lot of time together at their various functions. I think I saw more of him then, being divorced, than I did when we were married. The familiarity of our relationship and the demise of his “extracurricular activities” got the better of us. He said he wanted to work it out. I told him to take a lap. He persisted.

So, we decided to fight for it. I use the term fight because that’s what it is. Every day, we make a conscious decision to fight off the doubt, the naysayers, and the not-so-fond memories to make things work for our family.

The gang's all here. Back
together again

And why not? Isn’t family worth fighting for? We have no trouble fighting for a promotion. Hell, some of us will fight anyone who cracks a mean “yo-mama” joke. Why is there so much scorn and judgment for people wanting to save their families…especially in the face of infidelity? Wouldn’t you work to save an investment? We’ve invested years in this relationship, building a family and a life together. After going back and forth with others and with myself, I came to realize that I wanted this. Despite what it looked like to others, I wanted my family to work. That began with forgiveness. 

I’m not going lie. Forgiveness is hard, on both of our parts… me forgiving him and him forgiving himself. He’s had to not only reconcile with me, but with everyone he’s hurt and disappointed. It can’t feel good, but he’s doing it for us. We’re doing it for us.

There are days when we both say that quitting and going our separate ways would be so much easier. Yet, reconciliation is where the real reward lies. Working to restore a marriage should never be considered a waste of time. It’s to be applauded. Anyone can run. It takes real strength and courage to fight for your family… even if it’s against seemingly impossible odds.

America: One Nation, Clearly Divisible

The nation scares me right now.

I find myself in shock a lot these days…shocked at what people say,

shocked at what people do, shocked at what people wear or don’t wear, shocked at what is considered acceptable. Just shocked!

It’s as if I am living in the Twilight Zone.

Everywhere I turn, there seems to be a great divide. And the racial divide is what’s most disheartening. Things that I thought would have only been said or done during the height of the Civil Rights Movement are happening today… and within “popular” culture. When is it acceptable in the U.S. to shoot unarmed African-American men? When is it acceptable for the presidential candidate to promote banning a group of people from the U.S. or tweeting derogatory statements about colleagues?When is it acceptable to have little or no disregard for common decency or courtesy? 

Today, that’s when. I almost wish for the Civil Rights era. The 60’s look like a keg party compared to today’s climate. Bigotry, hatred, degradation…and that’s just on a Tuesday.

And I’m not frightened for me, but my children. How am I supposed to preach to them to not judge a book by its cover when I know they will be judge that way? How do I encourage them to speak their truths and not be afraid to let their little African- American lights shine when I know they will be ridiculed for it? I can’t let them walk down the streets with hoodies. They can’t sit in bible study without having the doors locked for safety. Hell, I took my daughter to see The Sound of Music not too long and made sure to take note of the emergency exits should anything go down. Did you hear that? Should anything go down? At the Sound of Music?!

There is certainly a climate change issue going on, but it has nothing to do with weather. It’s the climate of intolerance in our country. I sometimes feel as if the people in this country hate people of color. I know that’s a very broad stroke, but I see it everywhere I turn. Police beatings, and that’s if you’re lucky, disproportionate incarceration and economic disparity run rampant in minority communities. And who calls the president a liar in the middle of a televised speech? Seems perfectly acceptable when the President is African American, right? Honestly, it makes me look at people a little differently. Political affiliation has never really bothered me. To each his own. Now I think, “If you can support him, what must you think of me?”

I hope for our country’s sake, our children’s sake, the waves of discord and hate soon calm. If not, we may tip over and find ourselves unable to right the ship.

Preparing your children for life

If there was one phrase that I have heard a million times over the years, it is “train up a child in the way they should go.” Most times, that meant whip their tails so they don’t act a fool and get into bigger trouble than they could get out of. But now, the focus is less on disciplining and more on sheltering…less on training and more on protecting. I think the new word for it is “helicoptering.” Being a mom of three, I can understand that. That last thing I want my children to ever experience is hurt or pain.

But how realistic is that? And, as parents, are we doing more harm than good?

I was thinking about this as we were nearing Grandparents’ Day at my kids’ schools. My mom passed away last year and, honestly, she wasn’t able to attend many times before that. My dad, while a fun guy, has not always been the grandfatherly type. He will show up for the kids’ function, but there’s always a feeling of relief when he makes it. So on several occasions, I have asked family friends to fill in with my kids.  And then there were times when the kids have to go it alone. They went, sad face, some tears and made it through the day.

As happens every year, there were some parents who allowed their children to miss school rather than subject them to a day without grandparents. Now, don’t get me wrong, whenever my kids had no one to show up, I think my feelings were more hurt than theirs. But then another old school saying started playing in my head. “ If we don’t teach them, who will?

Teach them what, you ask? Teach them about life. Things won’t ever be “Even Steven.” Life won’t ever really play by the rules. Instead of allowing our children to bow out, why not take this opportunity to teach them that yes, things won’t always be fair, but you will be fine. Hang in there and, before you know it, you will be on the other side. And what better instance than Grandparent’s Day because, let’s face it, this is one of the easier lessons and environments to learn it in.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying to let them get hit by a car to prove you need to look both ways before crossing the street. I am saying that the hard lessons are usually the ones that stick. Life can hand out some doozies. When your child is able to rely on his/her own strength to persevere, you will be amazed at how proud you will be. Better than that, your kiddo will be proud of himself.

We can’t always provide the shelter against disappointment, heartbreaks, and mean girls. We can, however, illustrate how to deal with life when it gives you lemons. That’s the legacy we should be thinking about. Leaving our children with a way to keep their heads up in the face of adversity.

The New Normal

What do you say to your small children about same-sex couples? It’s a question I’ve asked myself lately because the scenario has come up. 

Both Reese and Westley have friends and classmates who have same-sex parents. I know the couples and they, along with their children, are awesome. I just wonder if there is anything I need to be prepared to say or any question I need to be prepared to answer if the kids see or hear something that they consider out of the norm?

Now, let me be clear. I am not homophobic, anti-gay or any of those other popular descriptors. Most of you who know me know I am a church girl, but I am not of the holier-than-thou variety. Everyone has their opinion, but I would never judge anybody for being homosexual. Lord knows I don’t want anyone judging me for things that I have done as a heterosexual. Yet, I do want to be ready for inquiring minds.

Why? Because I have been blinded-sided before with questions like:

Hard question? Yikes!

“Why do boys have penises and girls don’t?” 

That prompted a stimulating yet confusing conversation about pee-pees and wee-wees. I'm not even sure I understood what I said. 

Then there's my personal favorite, “How did the doctors get the baby out of your tummy?” Luckily, their dad was close by as the bus was approaching, so I threw him under it. 

"Ask your father!"

Those type of silly retorts will work on some topics for a while, but for same-sex couples, I want to have an educated, thought-out response. 

There is no topic that builds up as much steam as the discussion about sexuality. It sits right at the top of the taboo leaderboard with with politics and religion. Am I to leave the discussion for the locker room at my son's all-boy school? Or maybe let the littles pick up their views from just plain ignorant commentary that tends to follow this topic everywhere it goes? I want kids that care, not kids that crucify.

What about things they might see on a play date? No, I'm not thinking they would see anything inappropriate, but more like wedding pictures or the term "Mom" being used for more than one person. 

Am I over thinking it? Be honest. 

Maybe I should stay away from any detail-oriented explanations and tell them what I know to be true, what I have experienced in my own life…that different families have different dynamics. Some families have two parents, while some are divorced.  Some families have just one mommy or just a daddy, some have two mommies and two daddies, some even have aunts, uncles and cousins in different family roles. But most importantly, God loves all people, and so should you.

  

I’m hoping that if I stick with the basics, it will leave room for them to make their own judgments based on their own experiences. Maybe that is enough for now. What about when they are older and require more information? I think I will cross that bridge when I get to it. But kids will be kids and, sooner or later, they will want to know. I want to be thoughtful in my delivery because my hope is to raise children who are, while firm in their beliefs, understanding and loving. 

Any suggestions?

From Boys to Men

Westley and Jack 

I am worried about my sons.

I would like to think that they will get a fair shake in this county, but I don't.

I would like to believe that they will only be judged by their character and conduct, but I don't.

I would hope that one day they would get a job and be paid the same amount, receive the same recognition and be given the same opportunity as their caucasian counterparts, but I don't.

The events that have taken place over the last year in this country have made me doubt the claim that African-Americans have come a long way.

I know what you're thinking. The media circus surrounding the Michael Brown shooting has me on edge. Well, you would be partially correct. As the story unfolds, you realize there is little "fact" to support the allegations that this young man threatened the police officer who shot him. What does seem obvious is that Michael Brown was shot, not because he threatened police, but because the police felt threatened by this tall African-American teenager. And now, instead of finding out the truth, all concern by authorities has been FOR the authorities and managing their reputation. The effort has been put into slandering Brown's character to give people a reason to believe he was a criminal. It's disgraceful.

Trayvon Martin was followed and subsequently killed because he "looked" suspicious. Why, because he was wearing a hoodie and carrying a watermelon drink? When is it going to stop being acceptable for African-Americans to be judged solely on their appearance? Why does our casual attire, or gestures or lifestyle have to mimic that of other cultures to keep from being considered ghetto? Why do we have to assimilate in order to be accepted? Meanwhile, those trying to look more urban get accolades and awards for twerking?? I don't get it.

Jack with his hoodie on

Any day of the week, my oldest could look "suspicious" by a wearing a hoodie and larger-than-necessary shorts. But anyone who has even met Jack would know that he is the furthest thing you could get from a thug. As a matter of fact, he would argue over whether thug was even a real word since there is no reference to its Latin origin.

Wes is certainly a lady killer, but I doubt very seriously he would ever actually hurt anyone. He apologizes when he steps on bugs!

Wes and the babysitter

Don't get me wrong. I am not making a blanket statement or judging all of humanity by these incidents. But less face it. They are not exactly isolated incidents. In my humble opinion, there is sufficient evidence for concern.

I'm hurt that the conversation I have with my sons about how to interact with police will probably be completely different than some of the other moms I know. I'm a little disturbed that I will have to explain to them that it may not be in their best interest to cooperate with authorities on questions they might have. Instead, call a lawyer first and me second should anything happen. I realize the chances of any of this happening to them is small, but the opportunity is still there.

I am worried about my sons. They deserve better than what they are probably going to get out of being black men in this country. I'm scared that no matter what their father and I do to ensure that they are well-educated, well-rounded boys, it won't matter. They'll still receive the short end of the stick. This is one of few times that I pray I am completely off base.