It’s Our Anniversary…Sort of

Anniversary Facebook posts.

Today, Stoney and I woke up to some Facebook memories that caught us off guard. On this day, July 26, in 2003, Stoney and I were married. My “memories” page was littered with posts wishing each other a happy anniversary. It reminded us both of the sweet words recited at our wedding, the turn-up that followed at the reception and the three additions that now dub us as The Jackson 5.

But in 2011, we were separated... and officially divorced in 2012.

After our divorce, the anniversary date still rolled around... conjuring up bittersweet memories of a life that was, at the time, part of my past. Some anniversaries brought laughs, others tears. Either way, the memories were undeniably emotional. And even though we have been reconciled for a little over three years now, I still couldn’t help but feel a type of loss for that anniversary that doesn’t get celebrated anymore.

A litany of “what ifs” ran through my mind. What if we were never divorced? Would we be having a huge anniversary party tonight? Would people look at us with admiration for having made it this long? Would we have an awesome success story to share?

What’s ironic is that when we were together the first time, I don’t feel we ever really made an impact on anyone’s life. But, now that we have weathered a pretty tumultuous storm to get back together, we’ve been able to share our story and give people in similar situations an outlet.

In my opinion having an outlet is key to moving forward. Having someone to talk to, share, cry with, is so important and yet so difficult. Why? Because we live Facebook/Instagram lives. On social media, everything is coming up roses or everything is perfect, lest ye be judged. And no one wants to deal with the added pressure of being ridiculed or side-eyed while they’re going through a difficult time in their personal lives.

With me, what you see is what you get. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, text, IM, Skype, I’m always the same. I do that mainly because I have three kids, and I don’t have enough energy to create a false reality for myself. But also, I think being real is lacking these days. People go through trying times, pain, divorce, addiction. That’s reality. And coming out on the other side of those events are the real success stories.

Reconciling is our own version of a success story. No, it wasn’t pretty. A lot of marriages and divorces aren’t. Yes, it takes work...daily. No one tells you that at the bridal shower. There will be times that you want to or do actually leave. You are not alone.

And I think that’s what people need to hear. Life happens, especially if you’re married with children. There always seems to be a challenge waiting just around the bend. But you’re not alone. In my situation, infidelity was not only painful, but embarrassing. I felt like I was on an island by myself. And after talking with Stoney about this in the course of reconciling, I can tell you that he felt the same way. But the more I shared my story, the more I ran into men and women who were battling their own marital challenges and just needed someone who they could feel comfortable enough to share their pain with.

We need to give ourselves and others a break and recognized that life, especially marriage, will come with its shit storms. Anyone who tells you differently is lying.

Our “success” story is a little unconventional. We’re still divorced, and there are still challenging consequences to both of our actions. But I would say that sharing our story has helped more people than any anniversary story would. So, in the right circumstance, don’t be afraid to be real and share the good and the bad. You don’t know who you will help or free by showing your vulnerability.